Is Co-dependence BS?!

Have you ever worried that you're "co-dependent" for wanting to feel close to your partner? Does the distress of being disconnected cause you to do things that are out of character for you and embarrassing?

There's a good reason for that!

The myth is that if you "need" to feel close to your partner and feel out of sorts when you don't that you're co-dependent.

The truth is that healthy emotional connection is about being able to DEPEND on your partner being there for you!

There is no way around the fact that we're social mammals wired physiologically for connection, and that we're stronger and more resilient when we have a healthy emotional dependence on our partners! When we're sick, we NEED our partner to be there for us. When we're vulnerable, we NEED to know that we're emotionally supported by our partner. If they're not, it is so hard on us.

We suffer in isolation, being alone with stress and no support. It is corrosive to our nervous system! We need contact, witnessing, mirroring. We need our person there with us to share in the daily demands of living.

This term "co-dependence" was developed by Melody Beattie, and she conceived of it in the context of addiction to describe the partner of the addicted person getting lost in the chaos and enabling their partner and other unhealthy dynamics.

The connection is fractured because the addicted person now has a connection to something else and the partner is essentially abandoned, and understandably panicking and behaving in ways that compromise themselves...

But outside of addiction, co-dependence is not a term that you should apply to yourself when you're struggling because of feeling disconnected from your partner! You have a normal, natural need to feel close. When your connection is weak, you protest and fight to re-gain it. This is your survival instinct kicking in because it is a biological imperative to preserve healthy attachment with your partner. We don't feel safe when we lose the connection: it is a threat to our well-being!

So, rather than trying to suppress or override your natural need for connection and shaming yourself by labeling yourself as co-dependent, the healthier option is to learn about how to restore connection by:

optimizing your connection mindset

becoming emotionally empowered

engaging in specific behaviors that restore and strengthen connection.

You cannot deny your nature, but you can work with it to create a bond with your beloved that gives you joy, compassion, intimacy and a solid foundation to be your best self.

If you're ready to start today getting the connection you deserve, book a call with me now!

xxoo,

Heather